Shannon Do(ugh)erty is such a bitch. I ran into her at Whole Foods and at Trader's Joe's on the same day. She pushed aside my child, Absalom, into the jellies and they spilled all over my beige Prada Yen-Loafers. I was besieged by "photogs" while Shannon zoomed out of the store with her shopping cart full of banana chips, rasberry Stoli and organic tampons - without paying, I might add - well, I just did add.
So, I kicked off the Prada Loafers and prowled out to the parking lot to confront the Ho' basket for not apologizing nor paying. The manager, Tim Cox, escorted me. A lovely gentlemen. Lanky, fit. So, Tim stops Shannon before she gets on the public bus while I flag down a cop with my Gucci ascot. Some cops laughed dismissing us as if we were a reality show, one cop licked a booger off his window, another reminded me of a cross between Ray Liotta and Kevin Spacey, and finally, Officer Dakota stopped for us. Tim's nuts were bleeding because Shannon was wearing stillettos, but Officer Dakota intervened and arrested Shannon on the spot. I sold my camera phone picture to Star magazine for an undisclosed amount of money. But it won't cover the price of my Prada Loafers. Elton John gave them to me after I won my Oscar for Terms of Endearment.
Meanwhile, I left my man-child, Absalom in the Whole Foods during the entire ruckus. So, I return to Absalom and fucking Jeff Bridges is convincing my son that there is global warming, and how we need to build more trees. "Build?" It's "grow" Jeff, and stay away from Absalom. Jeff has always terrified children. A child should believe that world is mystical and magical for so long. Then when he turns 18 you should tell him all the truth about the world: There is no Santa Claus. We stole America and annihilated the Natives. Tom Selleck is gay. Jesus was a good man and provoked a lot of good inspiration in people, but, sadly, his image has been abused by various ententies which in turn shed more blood than enlightenment. I have six toes. Drugs are bad, except marijuana and mushrooms (moderation, folks!). Leeks are an underestimated vegetable. Lindsay Lohan is a terrible actress. Don't waste your time reading War & Peace 'cause its a waste of time. Never use Courier Text unless its for a film/tv script, or your making a visual point in a poem - but even then, I'd question. Cigarettes do not make someone look cool, unless he's hot and Cuban. Living in a two bedroom home with more than fifteen people is illegal in California. Pork does not have to be cooked well done. Only get calenders with inspirational quotes - tear out the E.E. Cummings though, and burn thoroughly. Gym Teachers are perverts. Harpoon a whale only if he doesn't succumb to your whistle. Never pay for the first date. Blow candles out before leaving the house, but light them, steadfastly, as you re-enter. Your stuffed animals don't move when you close your eyes. Men don't ask Men questions unless they are pointing to something. Dr. Phil is a load of crap and ego. Spiders want to kill you. Show remorse, but never swallow your pride. Paper cuts - so always think of it as a potential weapon. Some people are really allergic and some just say they are. Knowledge is strength, and strength is balance, and balance is will, and will is inspiration, and inspiration is godliness and godliness is me.
Amen. The Loafers are in the shoppe.
Beckett Boo esq.
Cat Blogger Extraordinaire!