Today I bought an Algerian refugee child whom I have since named, Barnn. Barnn is a small child about 3'6", mildly mal-nourished, yet, some in various gossip circles of mine would refer to him as "portly". He will be a robust man, eventually, but for now he is my second child.
I adopted him from his father, Cheidi. "That's Heidi with a "C"!" I exclaimed. He didn't get the joke, but Shoshanna, my assistant, did. I felt she gave a forced laugh, but it gave Cheidi pause to taste modern American humour. Algerian humour seems to involve mongoose being chased by wild boar with their feet bound in wooden clogs. Although that seems mildly humorous I am not humored by anything to do with clogs. Back to the point, Cheidi and the Algerian Government were so grateful that I will be taking Barnn to the states. There he will train to be a celebrity. Maddox Jolie-Pitt has already signed a contract to portray him in a Lifetime Portrait Series loosely adapted about Barnns' future. Chris Nolan is set to direct.
My other son, Absalom, whom you may remember from my blog "Fishing for Barracuda", has been an absolute peach over the recent adoption. From his coat, tie Military Academy I get a sense of sincere excitement from his edited postcards. Shoshanna edits them for me in her office darkroom. Black Marker. Absalom wants to be President someday. That is until I tell him all his papers are fake. I'll suggest starting from inside the Central Intelligence Agency, a la The Departed, so he can create a past. But for now, he's doing well until they read this blog.
Barnn can't walk yet, but he's getting really good at logarithms and levitation. I think he'll be walking by November. Patti Smith stopped by to drop off some gifts for my refugee tyke. The fake dead crow was very kind of her, but I think it might ring up harmful Algerian memories for Barnn. So, I sent it to Madonna (48) for her new refugee baby. I'm sure there are no crows in Malawi, so old Madge (48) wouldn't be too upset. At least, on record, that's the information my assistant Shoshanna has given me about crows in Malawi. Alan Thicke stopped by, but I drew the curtains and put out my "breastfeeding' doorknob placard so he would stop stalking me. Russell Crowe sent over a handmade wooden toy cell phone. Jude Law sent over some nipple shaped sucking thing for the baby which I just abhorred and threw away. John Cougar Mellencamp got some cute baby outfits for us at Baby Gap. But because Barnn no longer a refugee I sent them to the Salvation Army. Zac Efron stopped by, but I don't know why. Warren Beatty and Annette sent Cockscomb. America Ferrera's Assistant, Tangeryne (sp?), brought over a case of Aloe. James Hetfield Fed Ex'd us some fresh blackberries. Mark Ruffalo cut and pasted Barnn a message in Algerian that Shoshanna translated as "dust evolution"? Toby Jones brought me a bottle of Drambuie. The list goes on and on. I thank everyone for their support and liquor.
Barnn is the latest style in celebrity accessories. A must have for any Icon. A political reminder to the public, and a personal necessity for legacy and inheritances. Absalom is well at Academy, and Barnn will enroll soon as well. Both will be reminders of my philantrophy and quest for world peace and Unition. Yes, I just made up a word.
The point is - if you can (choking on tears) try in some small way to help the orphaned and destitute. Do so, and fast. Before I'm to senile to watch.
Beckett Boo, esquire
Cat Blogger Extraordiniare!
Today I woke up in Las Vegas married to three Asian hookers in the Mandalay Bay Seigfried and Roy Suite. When the goverment finds out I'll be up Mekong creek. I'll be what they call 'Polygamist'. I don't like to be associated with alliances or groups. I've never been a fan of GLAAD or, MAAD, or NAMBLA. Although I do get excessive junk mail from all three. I'm a one man guy, and I must have, obviously, been under duress or drugged. I would have never married a woman, especially three! But, what happens in Vegas, stays in - right, Chauncey?
Pyong, Hartusa and Malwaii are so happy to be faux United States Citizens for the day. They are having massages and waxes around thier unmentionables while my lawyer, Marcello "The Glock" Gotti works on the "anulments". But, as I look around the room. Pantyhose crumbled in the kitchen sink. My velvet robe charrred in the fireplace. Patrick Swayze selling lemonade on the portico. Cigar buds and half empty bottles of Chateau Haut Brion Pessac-Lognan 1982 strewn about. I wonder. Where were the men?
[Optional Sidenote: What distinguishes Haut Brion is the fact that it produced the oldest Bordeaux in the world. Founded in 1550, Jean de Pontac built everything from the ground up for the sole purpose of winemaking. Soon after, he opened a tavern in London to serve his wine exclusively. It was an undeniable success. This red 1982 vintage is still youthful and quite spectacular, holding its own against the best wines in the world. It has matured well with time but isn't expected to improve in years to come. So drink it soon!]
It was mess and it was disgusting. I, immediately, 911'd my assistant Shoshanna to, immediately, call my manservant, Manuel, to helicopter over to tidy up the mess before the management or Police arrrived. I needed a goat's milk bath, and I had to hit my Double Diamond Deluxe Slot Machine one last time.
Pyong has been wonderful about the situation. I think she knew I wasn't "into" the marriage thing when I gasped, upon waking, at the sight and feel of the six breasts pressing against my Epidermis. She asked for $5,000 for her "sick" child, and assured me she would be gone. I assured her that her, and her "sick" child would be gone - by 2:00, post meridian - and I'd send a check to Taiwan.
I'm still a little cloudy, or there's a giant dust cloud surrounding the hotel, but either way I need to eat my lemon yogurt, and try to remember the past. Who the f**k is going to draw me my milk bath? Manuel's busy, Shoshanna's dealing with the P.R. in the Lobby, Hartusa and Malwaii are dead, Pyong is still running. (I can watch on my G.P.S.) Guess I'll just wait for Shoshanna to return. I need another assistant. Damn Shoshanna!
I'm going to finish my Sudoku.
Beckett Boo, esquire
Cat Blogger Extraordinaire!