Britney Spears and the Celebrity Child Cellar

Today I o'erheard private gossip in my redleaf rose garden betwixt two serfs that the phenomenal actress of one of my favorite films "Crossroads", Britney Spears, has ventured into mainstream pop music with her debut album, "Blackout".

I first met Britney on December 2nd, 1991. I was a young 165. She was twelve seconds old. I was there watching her dramatic entrance into the world via the birthing canal of Lynne Spears. How Lynne fit a baby, a hot pink party wig and a Mercedes Benz up there is beyond my comprehension. But there is no doubt. I was there. In fact, the Mercedes Benz hit me upon exit. I sued, and we signed the papers saying I would own Britney's first born. Ron Spears. The one no one speaks of - except me. Even my assistants, Shoshanna and Manuel, do not have access to my celebrity child cellar. Ronald is doing well. He recently hacked the Ann Coulter Website. I love Ronald - and all my celeb first borns. We are starting a softball team in the winter. So no one sees us.

Despite the settlement animosity Lynne made me Britney's Godfather (so I get 30% of all profits) and I secretly reign as the Spears' holiday bash Santa Claus. Jaime-Lynn confessed to wanting her sisters career for Xmas. I said, "I'm a jew, but come back and see me when you f**k some of that baby fat off." Jaime-Lynn ran away crying while the elfish midget photographer and I snickered. We always quote lines from the cult classic "Showgirls to videotape the children's reactions. You should have seen when I exclaimed to her brother Bryan, "I use to love doggy chow!" But, he understood and replied, "I use to love doggy chow too!" Then we acted out the hospital scene after Nomi Malone pushes Crystal Conners down the staircase. Bryan Spears is a great kid. I'd exchange Ronald for Bryan anyday.

But, Britney will always be the star of the Spears family. From her sassy teen spirit on the "The Mickey Mouse Club", to her comical turn as a closeted lesbian Christian on "Will & Grace" and her stirring revelations in "Fahrenheit 9/11" Britney has been a true leader of Artistic independence. I wish her nothing but goodwill on her debut album. I encourage everyone to purchase it. If not for Britney and her family, but for my 30% profit.


Beckett Boo, Esq.
Cat Entertainement Blogger Extraordinaire!


Who Were They When?

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Joyce DeWitt
"Three's Company"

Joyce Anne DeWitt is a crazy American actress perhaps most famous for her role as Janet Wood on the television situation comedy Three's Company. She does autograph shows and last appeared on the hit Reality TV show "America's Next Producer". No need to tell you what she's up to because she tells you herself at her 70's chic, designer website www.joycedewitt.com. She could use a new hair style, but I love her. More than I love Chrissy! She's an avid pant hose wearer, and dated LeVar Burton.

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Lee Majors
"The Fall Guy and 6 Million Dollar Man"

Lee Majors, birth name Harvey Lee Yueary, is an American actor, primarily known for his roles in movies, sitcoms and television who also starred in four long-running ABC TV series over four decades, retiring in 1986. Around the time you were born. He holds the Guiness Book of World's Record Titles for worst male birth name and best screen/porn name.

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Jodie Foster
"Moi, Fluer Bleue"

Alicia Christian Foster. better known as Jodie Foster, is a two-time Academy Award-winning American actress, director, French recording artist and producer. She has also won two Golden Globes, 3 BAFTA awards and a Screen Actors Guild Award, making her one of the few select actors to have won all four major motion picture acting awards. Ooops, she's still around. Note to self: Call Jodie.


Beckett Boo, Esq.
Cat Entertainment Blogger Extraordinaire!




The lyrics stain around the notes in repetition like a Gertrude Stein poem, dangerously subtle and unassuming. With a sound quality that would make Alexander Graham Bell’s old rusty gramophone blush Radiohead’s new album "In Rainbows" reminds the individual that our generation has gotten too old for psychedelic mushrooms. Produced by Nigel Godrich the introspective beats and poppycock lyrics sober your nerves while your car stereo suffers from its weak shriveled sound system like a cold wet penis. The music is so avant-garde I wear a hockey mask, and attempt eating risotto soy porridge with a plastic spork. It's cathartic. "Arpeggi" and "House of Cards" are among the classics of the bunch. The college boys will say they love it, but secretly don’t understand it. The Elite will play it at ballet class for their three year olds, and Suzanne Vega will probably do an acoustic cover of "Nude".

I love "In Rainbows", and give it a whopping four Mint Juleps out of five. The last one, I drank.

Ironically, I drank it at a gay speakeasy called, In Rainbows. Manhattan 22nd and 8th Avenue. October 12th Midnight. I was in the pumpkin camisole. You wore hazel khakis. Call.

The Radiohead guys are so rich they are giving away this album for free. I was never a Radiohead fan until my college days at Wharton when I first heard "OK Computer". I lost my virginity to the stinging love anthem, "Packt Like Sardines In A Crushd Tin Box". I’ll spare the details, and specific orifice.

Thom Yorke had the privilege of a rare sit down interview with me at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills:

Beckett Boo esq.: So what’s wrong with the eye?
Thom: Droopy lid.
Beckett Boo Esq.: So, I hear you have a free new album coming out?
Thom: Yea, it’s called “In Rainbows”. It’s a pay what can you can situation.
Beckett Boo Esq.: Is it tax-write-off-able?
Thom: I don't know U.S. tax law. I’m British.
Beckett Boo, esq.: That’s explains the mumbling. Continue - tax law?
Thom: Uh – uh don’t know, but its probably a tax write-off for wealthy Americans with income over $200,000.

[He turns to guitarist Colin Greenwood and they toast with recycled plastic bottles of Volvic water.]

Beckett Boo esq.: You like to get political don’t you?
Thom: I’m just calling them as I see them, bloke.
Beckett Boo Esq.: Is it true that “Creep” was written in the men’s toilet at your alma mater Exeter University?
Thom: I thoroughly deny that in my autobiography.
Beckett Boo Esq.: Wikipedia says its true. But we’ll talk more about that “off the record”.
Thom: No. We won’t.
Beckett Boo Esq.: Why does it take three times alone in your car to understand a Radiohead album?
Thom: That might be your experience, but I can’t speak from an objective point of view.
Beckett Boo Esq.: The eye thing is creepin’ me. No pun intended.
Thom: No problem. You're having an emotional response to something that isn't normal for you.
Beckett Boo Esq.: So do you have anymore questions for me?
Thom: I didn't ask you any questions.
Beckett Boo, Esq.: Touche.

[End of interview.]


Beckett Boo, Esq.
Beckett Boo, Esq. Cat Entertainment Blogger Extraordinaire!

Four Mint Juleps Out Of Five
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Beckett Boo's Apple Brownie Surprise

Preheat Oven to 350 degrees.

Mix 1 Cup of Sugar/Splenda, 1 egg cream and one stick of THC, Δ9-THC, Δ9-tetrahydrocannabinol laced butter.

Mix Together thouroughly. Disguise my hate for Charlize Theron overwrought performance in "Monster" when she calls.


1 cup of Flour 1/2 tsp Soda
1/2 tsp Salt 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp cinnamon

Mix Together thouroughly. Pilates with "Manuel".


1 cup (2 Apples Peeled and Chopped)

Mix With a Wooden Spoon.

Put in an 8 inch Square Pan - ungreased.

40 minutes at 350 degrees.

[Double recipe for a 9X13 pan.]


Beckett Boo, esq.
Cat Blogger Extraordinaire!

G*DAMMIT, Miley F**CKING Cyrus!

I was present at all of Streisand’s Farewell Tours, Sang a duet of “Say, Say, Say” with Michael Jackson in Budapest, sat Luxury VIP at Justin’s Futuresex/Lovesounds Tour, rode motor bike across the country with Eddie Vedder and Sean Penn, had a recurring role on The West Wing, won three Oscars, trained all the gymnasts at Cirque De Soleil, wrote the bestselling autobiography “I Laugh and I Love That’s How I Stay So Fit!”, made a sex tape with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline (he was on bottom) and I STILL can’t get tickets for f**cking HANNAH MONTANA!

My adopted Anguillan son, Absolam, would be so thankful if some kind, generous, supportive individual would donate a ticket to my sickly, adopted, wretched child. One ticket will do. Absolam can go with the Ritchie’s and play with Rocco and David Banda. I’ll get seaweed facials with Lola, and Zahara. Ooops – mixing up the bastards and adoptees, again.

But the question remains. Out of the billions and trillions of VIP events that I have attended and presided over why the f**ck can I NOT GET A F**KING TICKET TO THE F**KING HANNAH F**CKING MONTANA CONCERT!

[Brief pause. Throws Baby Phat Sunglasses against glass cubed wall. Glasses shatter - upon Glass.]

Incidentally, my assistant, Shoshanna has just whispered to me, that I am the current owner the Staples Center wherein the concert is to be performed. I, apparently, have a private box reserved box.

So, now I am forced to cancel the show.

If I have to go, Absolam will not.


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Beckett Boo, esquire
Cat Blogger Extraordinaire!