Today I am competing in the Beijing Olympic Finals in the Men’s Judo and Gymnastics categories. In my resplendent career I have earned Fifty-Seven Gold and Silver medals in various categories (even the discontinued Basque pelota). But, I have never won a bronze. I repeat, I have never won a bronze. The bronze medal looks like a giant penny, and do you know what I do with pennies. I commission copper chamber pots. I don’t even capitalize “bronze” in sentences. Unless it’s the first word of a new sentence (for all my 5 and under readers). My favorite Olympic sports are Pentathlon, Synchronized swimming, Shalom, Discus, Women’s Softball, Men’s Wrestling, Pommel Horse, Skeet and of course the Gymnastic Floor Exercise.
The Gymnastic Floor Exercise program is the most demanding and masculine of all Olympic sports. It consists of a series of tumbling passes which are performed to demonstrate flexibility, strength, and balance. My routines include floor jumps, hump spilts, scales, and press handstands. I usually close my routines with my classic demi-grand rond de jambe, others don’t.
Since I was a commoner I have cultivated a love for the Olympics. Perhaps it was my bi-racial community coming together, the fashions and bulk, the palm chalk, javelins, numbered back tags, sponsors, or perhaps it was the Winter of 1898. I had a brief romance with Nadia Comanechi's grandmother, Gabby. We lasted all summer until I playfully shot her with a potato gun full of sauerkraut. She was humourless and sensitive. I feared her needs. I had my own. I wanted the Gold. So, I left her for Errol Flynn.
When I was a child, Poppa surprised me on my birthday with a Redwood Sled handcrafted by a young Frank Lloyd Wright. Poppa and I would hike to the top of the local alpestrine. We would eat Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches on white bread and sing ‘Frere Jacques’ as we treked through the snow. Even Mom and I used the sled to drag Poppa's luggage out to the sidewalk when they divorced.
I always took the sled werever I went. My favorite memory was in Norway. Poppa and I raced an massive avalanche trailing behind us. It was fantastic time I will never forget. Although I have forgotten Poppa. That’s when we last saw him. Grandmother said he was frozen by kindness.
I loved Poppa, but I loved that sled more. It was like a puppy to me. My sled never left me like Poppa did. I should name my sled. But not for Poppa. I don't remember his name.
Paul Hamm and I are having drinks this afternoon before the balance beam. I’ll need a pitcher of Sangria before we get to the Pommel Horse. I do a lot of tucking for that event. Soshanna is at Capezio right now buying me some spare dance belts. I need two. I do have quite a long tail.
Amen.
Beckett Boo, Esq.
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