Today I was, finally, released from rehab. Thanks to all the well wishers who, adoringly, have written and sent discreet packages of "legal" substances to get me through these rugged six (6) months.
In rehabilitation, with my anonymous friends L. Lohan, C. Love, M. Jacobs, H. Joel Osment, E. Van Halen, R. Williams, K. Urban, T. Haggard, M. Barton's sister Hania (oops-named her), I. Washington, and Ms. B. Spears we were forced to watch all 10 seasons of "The View". I've had enough of Joy Behar's Comedy Corner to last me 9 lifetimes. In fact, it caused my friend Britney to jump the gates and shave her head in the San Fernando Valley. That was around the time we got to Season 4 - The Lisa Ling Days.
These days the air smells significantly sweeter, but life is tedious and remarkably boring. I miss my opium infused Mint Julips and my crack dealer, Rajj. But, I have noticed positive changes in my day to day life since my release. For instance, I've read the first 30 pages of about 200 books. I use an escalator instead of an elevator. I tie my own ascot. I like running around nude in the sprinklers. I eat pork chops. My penis grew 14 inches, and I suddenly feel things...like "feelings".
I did miss a lot being away from the news media for so long. I can't wait to eat lunch with the Beckhams and get my face back in the tabloids. I don't care what they say about me I just miss being in the press. Although, if PerezHilton "outs" me I swear I will shoot him with a Super-Soaker full of Cat Urine. Mine glows under a blacklight, so I'll make sure it happens at Club Stereo or Hyde. I'm starting to run out of enemies because now people have all this sudden sympathy for me, so I have made PerezHilton target and Plus-Size enemy #1.
The first thing I did upon my release was call Shoshanna. Shoshanna, as many of you already know, was my assistant that I fired after she forced my grandmother, Heidi Klum, to enter me into rehab. I understand now why Shoshanna did what Shoshanna did - and if you reading this blog aloud it must be fun to have said Shoshanna as many times as I have written thus far. Shoshanna was hired as my "Yes" woman. My Howard K. Stern, if you will, and when she said "No" to my request for a featherbed cot and a bottle of oxycontin I was forced, by terms of her employment contract, to let...her...go. She quickly found employment with my ex-"wife", Michelle Rodriguez. But when I phoned Shoshanna immediately left Michelle at some bar named after Frida Kahlo, and wisked me away from my isolation.
Shoshanna has since received a raise. Largely in part for her participation in my soul's renewal, but also because when I returned to my estate there was the featherbed cot, a Mint Julep, and a freshly filled bottle of oxycontin. Shoshanna, apparently, had had enough of Ms. Rodriguez, as I did during her Sapphic beginnings. Like I've always said, "Too much vagina is - repulsive."
So, I'm home.
Resolute - and resting comfortably on a listless cloud of vapid emptiness.
Shoshanna shall receive medical benefits, and I will re-instate her green card.
I now have my comfortable life back, and my "Yes" woman.
It's good to be home...wherever the hell I am.
Always Yours - well not always,
Beckett Boo, esq.
Cat Blogger Extraordinaire!