The Vietnamese Ex-Wives Club
Today I woke up in Las Vegas married to three Asian hookers in the Mandalay Bay Seigfried and Roy Suite. When the goverment finds out I'll be up Mekong creek. I'll be what they call 'Polygamist'. I don't like to be associated with alliances or groups. I've never been a fan of GLAAD or, MAAD, or NAMBLA. Although I do get excessive junk mail from all three. I'm a one man guy, and I must have, obviously, been under duress or drugged. I would have never married a woman, especially three! But, what happens in Vegas, stays in - right, Chauncey?
Pyong, Hartusa and Malwaii are so happy to be faux United States Citizens for the day. They are having massages and waxes around thier unmentionables while my lawyer, Marcello "The Glock" Gotti works on the "anulments". But, as I look around the room. Pantyhose crumbled in the kitchen sink. My velvet robe charrred in the fireplace. Patrick Swayze selling lemonade on the portico. Cigar buds and half empty bottles of Chateau Haut Brion Pessac-Lognan 1982 strewn about. I wonder. Where were the men?
[Optional Sidenote: What distinguishes Haut Brion is the fact that it produced the oldest Bordeaux in the world. Founded in 1550, Jean de Pontac built everything from the ground up for the sole purpose of winemaking. Soon after, he opened a tavern in London to serve his wine exclusively. It was an undeniable success. This red 1982 vintage is still youthful and quite spectacular, holding its own against the best wines in the world. It has matured well with time but isn't expected to improve in years to come. So drink it soon!]
It was mess and it was disgusting. I, immediately, 911'd my assistant Shoshanna to, immediately, call my manservant, Manuel, to helicopter over to tidy up the mess before the management or Police arrrived. I needed a goat's milk bath, and I had to hit my Double Diamond Deluxe Slot Machine one last time.
Pyong has been wonderful about the situation. I think she knew I wasn't "into" the marriage thing when I gasped, upon waking, at the sight and feel of the six breasts pressing against my Epidermis. She asked for $5,000 for her "sick" child, and assured me she would be gone. I assured her that her, and her "sick" child would be gone - by 2:00, post meridian - and I'd send a check to Taiwan.
I'm still a little cloudy, or there's a giant dust cloud surrounding the hotel, but either way I need to eat my lemon yogurt, and try to remember the past. Who the f**k is going to draw me my milk bath? Manuel's busy, Shoshanna's dealing with the P.R. in the Lobby, Hartusa and Malwaii are dead, Pyong is still running. (I can watch on my G.P.S.) Guess I'll just wait for Shoshanna to return. I need another assistant. Damn Shoshanna!
I'm going to finish my Sudoku.
Beckett Boo, esquire
Cat Blogger Extraordinaire!