Today I bought an Algerian refugee child whom I have since named, Barnn. Barnn is a small child about 3'6", mildly mal-nourished, yet, some in various gossip circles of mine would refer to him as "portly". He will be a robust man, eventually, but for now he is my second child.
I adopted him from his father, Cheidi. "That's Heidi with a "C"!" I exclaimed. He didn't get the joke, but Shoshanna, my assistant, did. I felt she gave a forced laugh, but it gave Cheidi pause to taste modern American humour. Algerian humour seems to involve mongoose being chased by wild boar with their feet bound in wooden clogs. Although that seems mildly humorous I am not humored by anything to do with clogs. Back to the point, Cheidi and the Algerian Government were so grateful that I will be taking Barnn to the states. There he will train to be a celebrity. Maddox Jolie-Pitt has already signed a contract to portray him in a Lifetime Portrait Series loosely adapted about Barnns' future. Chris Nolan is set to direct.
My other son, Absalom, whom you may remember from my blog "Fishing for Barracuda", has been an absolute peach over the recent adoption. From his coat, tie Military Academy I get a sense of sincere excitement from his edited postcards. Shoshanna edits them for me in her office darkroom. Black Marker. Absalom wants to be President someday. That is until I tell him all his papers are fake. I'll suggest starting from inside the Central Intelligence Agency, a la The Departed, so he can create a past. But for now, he's doing well until they read this blog.
Barnn can't walk yet, but he's getting really good at logarithms and levitation. I think he'll be walking by November. Patti Smith stopped by to drop off some gifts for my refugee tyke. The fake dead crow was very kind of her, but I think it might ring up harmful Algerian memories for Barnn. So, I sent it to Madonna (48) for her new refugee baby. I'm sure there are no crows in Malawi, so old Madge (48) wouldn't be too upset. At least, on record, that's the information my assistant Shoshanna has given me about crows in Malawi. Alan Thicke stopped by, but I drew the curtains and put out my "breastfeeding' doorknob placard so he would stop stalking me. Russell Crowe sent over a handmade wooden toy cell phone. Jude Law sent over some nipple shaped sucking thing for the baby which I just abhorred and threw away. John Cougar Mellencamp got some cute baby outfits for us at Baby Gap. But because Barnn no longer a refugee I sent them to the Salvation Army. Zac Efron stopped by, but I don't know why. Warren Beatty and Annette sent Cockscomb. America Ferrera's Assistant, Tangeryne (sp?), brought over a case of Aloe. James Hetfield Fed Ex'd us some fresh blackberries. Mark Ruffalo cut and pasted Barnn a message in Algerian that Shoshanna translated as "dust evolution"? Toby Jones brought me a bottle of Drambuie. The list goes on and on. I thank everyone for their support and liquor.
Barnn is the latest style in celebrity accessories. A must have for any Icon. A political reminder to the public, and a personal necessity for legacy and inheritances. Absalom is well at Academy, and Barnn will enroll soon as well. Both will be reminders of my philantrophy and quest for world peace and Unition. Yes, I just made up a word.
The point is - if you can (choking on tears) try in some small way to help the orphaned and destitute. Do so, and fast. Before I'm to senile to watch.
Beckett Boo, esquire
Cat Blogger Extraordiniare!