From Behind The Fendi Sunglasses
From Behind The Fendi Sunglasses
Twice today I ran into Sarah Michelle Gellar.
We haven't spoken for years. We rode on opposing escalators at the Beverly Center. She had big sunglasses on and pretending to read an In Touch magazine. I was canoodling with a brunette gentleman caller and eating a cinnabon when Sarah and I caught eyes. Actually I caught my eyes in her Fendi glasses, and I remembered how my reflection glimmered against them - and I remembered us. We were both silent. The brunette boy was pulling at me begging for more poppers. I said, "Hush fool! It's Sarah Michelle!" But the escalator had passed at that moment, and were like two ships that passed in the night.
The second time was in the parking lot and I crashed my 2005 Bentley Arnage into her CLK-350 Mercedes-Benz Cabriolet. We politely exchanged insurance information, and laughed over the fact that she shops at Express. I placated telling her that I love Express Men (even though I detest any kind of mall fashions). We hugged awkwardly, and she zoomed off to the pay booth.
We started dating when I was a PA on the set of that 80's Chevy Chase vehicle "Funny Farm". She had a uncredited role in it. Don't blink, or you'll miss it. I think she did it for some SAG vouchers or something. She was a bit desperate then, but weren't we all. But no one was as cunning or manipulative as Sarah Michelle.
Before I was who I am, and before she was whatever you want to call what she became - I knew her as Sarah Gellar. She added the Michelle at summer camp because all the kids would mistake her for a Jew. But she was, and will always be. So will I. Inside. Forever.
Plighted to the Torah.
When she started filming "Swan's Crossing" that was when I had it with her. We had been dating off and on for almost two years. She had just signed with the William Morris Agency, but I was pressing her to work with Rick Yorn back when he was with Industry Entertainment so there was already that tension. I was moving up to producing at that point. So, at times I had to (sometimes) be a bit of a taskmaster, and Sarah was under contract. I told her that I would like to keep our affair private while we are working. She agreed.
But one day, the director was struggling with her performance, and had me talk to her. I waited outside her trailer for five minutes. I knocked thrice. On the third knock she yanks the door open and I fell inside. I said, "I love you Sarah! But I'm your boss!" She replied, "I'm going to have your baby. Now that's off my chest I can get back to working." Then she held me against my will and performed the most disgusting sexual acrobatics that I have ever witnessed - grape jelly still comes out of the strangest places at the strangest of times. Which reminds me to have my Valtrex prescription refilled. I left her trailer - satisfied. Knowing that as a producer I could handle obstacles with as much panache as I handle the pan flute, for instance, quid pro. I assured the director (a young Brett Ratner) that all would be well. Needless to say, the show was cancelled.
I had my fame and fortune, and she made a ton of money off that vampire slaying show. I'm happy to know she has insurance and a pension.
I wish our baby well. Whatever his name was going to be. We will always remember him, and the day she told the doctor to put the kid to rest. Bitch.
Beckett Boo, esq.